LYH37: How to Build a Marriage No Matter What?

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Show Agenda

  • Featured Presentation: How to Build a Marriage No Matter What

Featured Presentation

You can find the full blog post on this topic at haroldarnold.com/nomatterwhat

During a recent presentation to a group of couples, one of the participants questioned my assertion that we could love our spouse “no matter what”.  Admittedly, it is a bold statement. His concern was that “no matter what” sets a spouse up for abuse. While I agree with the possibility of this extreme, I countered that my concern is that we have watered down this “no matter what” extreme to something more akin to “if I’m not happy”.

If we’re not happy then we have a difficult time believing that God could be. But, what if God isn’t wedded to our personal standard of happiness?

Three Keys to Have a No Matter What Marriage

  1. Keep Facing One Another (no matter what). You are most likely to move in the direction that you are already facing. Frustrated couples often look outside of their marriage for answers to their emotional needs. Then, as difficulties push them, it is only natural that they move towards that which meets their need rather than towards the spouse. Spouses who make a decision to satisfy their emotional needs (especially romantic ones) only within the confines of their marriage satisfy the fundamental requisite of unconditional commitment.
  2. Communicate Honestly (no matter what). Effective communication is the glue that binds marriage. Conveying your needs, wants and feelings with your spouse, even in stressful situations, creates unity. Always remember that the complementary aspect of communicating honestly is listening actively. Active listening relies more on your heart than your ears.
  3. Encourage Each Other (no matter what). Many couples fail to encourage one another either because they do not think it is needed or because of their own insecurities and shortcomings. God, however, placed you and your spouse together to shape each other into His likeness. Encouragement soothes the pain of this molding process. Encouragement provides validation and legitimacy in discouraging and distressing circumstances. Look at how God offers you encouragement in Deuteronomy 31:6: “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” I doubt there is any clearer model of “no matter what”.

Leave a comment and let me know if you feel “no matter what” is too extreme a position to state in marriage.

Please do me a huge favor and click HERE to go to iTunes and leave me a rating and review. It will only take 2 minutes of your time. And, it means so much to me. And, just for you, I’ll give you a shout out on the next show.

How to Build a Marriage “No Matter What”

During a recent presentation to a group of couples, one of the participants questioned my assertion that we could love our spouse “no matter what”.  Admittedly, it is a bold statement. His concern was that “no matter what” sets a spouse up for abuse. While I agree with the possibility of this extreme, I countered that my concern is that we have watered down this “no matter what” extreme to something more akin to “if I’m not happy”.

If we’re not happy then we have a difficult time believing that God could be. But, what if God isn’t wedded to our personal standard of happiness?

My belief is that God is more into the development within us when we have an unconditional commitment to him and to our spouse. In fact, God models this notion for us in his unwillingness to love and commit to us less than He does.

Consider two people – a priest who has devoted himself to the Lord for the last fifty years, and an evolutionary biologist who has dedicated himself to proving God does not exist. To which of these people is God most committed?

LYH32: 5 Biblical Lessons to Keep Your Marriage Fresh [PODCAST]

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Show Agenda

  • Featured Presentation: Five Biblical Lessons to Keep Your Marriage Fresh
  • Resources Mentioned:
  • Lesson Principle: You can’t live today’s marriage on yesterday’s manna.

Featured Presentation

You can find the full blog post on this topic at haroldarnold.com/marriagemanna

One study of 3000 couples identifies five top problems reported by these frustrated couples:

  • Lack of spontaneity
  • Lack of romance
  • Terrible sex life
  • No time to give each other attention
  • Lack of time to talk

This disappointing state of marriage reminds me of the biblical account of the Hebrew people during their wilderness experience after escaping the slavery of Egypt.

In examining the Exodus account, I believe there are five lessons there instructing us on how to keep our marriage fresh and perpetually extend its expiration date.

5 lessons to keep your marriage fresh

  • Lesson #1: Know that God will give supernatural provision for the journey 
  • Lesson #2: Follow God’s instructions
  • Lesson #3: Remember from what God brought you
  • Lesson #4: Gather what you need for each day
  • Lesson #5: Keep it fresh

My prayer is that these five lessons will give fresh insight that will elevate your marriage to another level.

Leave me a comment and let me know what other parallels you see between this account of the Hebrew people and our own marriage today.

Please do me a huge favor and click HERE to go to iTunes and leave me a rating and review. It will only take 2 minutes of your time. And, it means so much to me. And, just for you, I’ll give you a shout out on the next show.

5 Biblical Lessons to Keep Your Marriage Fresh

Our refrigerators and cupboards are full of products with stamped expiration dates. Except for infant formula, dating these products is not a federal regulation. But, it is useful for stores and consumers to assess whether a given product is safe or unsafe for consumption. So, the ardent shopper checks that “sell by” date, especially on the perishable items like milk and eggs. This morning I checked the expiration date on one of my purchases only to learn that it had indeed expired. Should I eat it or throw it away? As I carefully inspected it to see if I was indeed edible, I began to think of the connection to marriage. How many couples are living in outdated marriages—going through the motions with freshness that has long expired?

Keeping your marriage fresh

The answer is “way too many”. It shows in the data. According to Dana Adam Shapiro’s research for his book You Can Be Right (or You Can Be Married),very few married people are happy — he says about 17 percent. Another study reveals that a large percentage of married couples (~40%) say that they are not very happy in their marriage. It’s sad. For many of these couples, the relationship that started out with a sense of bliss and hopeful optimism has deteriorated into a functional partnership at best.

One study of 3000 couples identifies five top problems reported by these frustrated couples.

  • Lack of spontaneity
  • Lack of romance
  • Terrible sex life
  • No time to give each other attention
  • Lack of time to talk

One-third of couples suggest things like the loss of romantic trips away, cooking of favorite meals, and the surprise bouquet of flowers as examples of their outdated marriages. These couples have allowed the proverbial “shelf life” of their marriage to diminish. It feels stale and distasteful.

This disappointing state of marriage reminds me of the biblical account of the Hebrew people during their wilderness experience after escaping the slavery of Egypt.

The 20% Commitment that Yields 80% Growth In Your Marriage

Great marriages don’t just happen. They are co-created—with each spouse contributing 100% to its success. Today I met a couple that has been married 48 years. They said the secret is that he gives 100% and she gives 110%. We laughed. But, they tapped a central truth. Great marriages go all in. These couples are rewarded with a deep sense of happiness and attachment that feels almost spiritual in nature. We all wish for this kind of marriage. Its what we dream about when we first say “I do”. But, for many of us it now feels unrealistic—just too lofty and expectation given where things are currently. But, what if it only took 20% to claim your great marriage? And, that 20% is well within your reach—if you want it.

Most of us are familiar with the well-known Pareto Principle (also known as the 80-20) rule. We’ve seen it applied to many contexts. You may have heard in the workplace that 20% of the people do 80% of the work.

You may have heard it in the church context where 20% of the people give 80% of the donations.

Have you ever thought about the application to your marriage?

In my experience working with couples, I’ve discovered a profound application of the 80-20 rule that is particularly encouraging for those who are losing hope that their marriage will ever be what they dreamed. Twenty percent of what you put into your marriage is responsible for 80% of what you get out of it.