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Dr. Harold

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Ten Practices for A Father to Maximize His Influence on His Daughter

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This past weekend, I traveled to my hometown state of Virginia for my baby sister’s baby shower. It was a festive time with family and friends. My sister and brother-in-law are expecting a little girl in early December. Her name is Kennedy. Yesterday I rubbed my sister’s belly and talked to Kennedy in utero. She kicked for Uncle Harold.  It’s exciting that another little girl will be joining our family. As I sat at the baby shower watching my brother-in-law, I thought about what a great father he will be. I’m very thankful that my sister has a husband that will be a strong presence for my niece. In fact, statistics clearly show the vital role that fathers play in the development of their daughters. But, we really don’t need statistics to understand how critically important a father’s attention is in the development of his daughter. For my nearly 17 years as the father of a young lady, I’ve sought to emphasize 10 practices that I believe are formative in her development as a young Christian lady. Many factors have impacted the amazing person that she is today. But, I believe these ten practices have played a critically important role.

Author Meg Meeker writes in her book, Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know [affiliate link], “fathers inevitably change the course of their daughters’ lives – and can even save them. From the moment you set eyes on her wet-from-the-womb body until she leaves your home, the clock starts ticking. It’s the clock that times your hours with her, your opportunities to influence her, to shape her character, and to help her find herself.” We fathers have a short window of time to maximally influence our daughters.

I love that excerpt for its emphasis on the short period of time that we fathers ultimately have to impress important values on our daughters. In our harried lives, it is easy to take these duties for granted. But, we do so at the peril of our daughters and our families more broadly.

Sometimes, we avoid these critical moments with our daughters because of difficulties we may have with her mother, particularly in divorce situations. Other times, it is because our daughters may not share our interests in certain activities (e.g. sports) or we in theirs (e.g., fashion trends). Still other times we have difficulty relating to some of the “girl drama” that may not seem nearly as serious as she purports it to be. Regardless of the reason, the result is that we fathers often outsource the male nurture of our daughters to those who often seek to exploit her.

Across developmental stages it only takes a glimpse at the statistics to glean a truism, a father’s influence on his daughter is irreplaceable. In other words, it cannot be effectively outsourced. Can a young girl develop into a fine woman without her father’s presence? Yes, of course. But, I believe it is the herculean effort of other family, friends, and community members that make that happen. Far too often, however, those resources simply aren’t sufficiently present.

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LYH28: How to Truly Apologize and Recover Your Relationships [PODCAST]

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NOTE: Though the content is audible, this episode has a technical problem with low level hissing throughout the program.

Show Agenda

  • My Week in Review
  • Featured Presentation: How to Truly Apologize and Recover Your Relationship

Featured Presentation

You can find the full blog post on this topic at haroldarnold.com/trueapology

Five Phrases of a Genuine Apology

  • Phrase #1: “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
  • Phrase #2: “I errantly said that BECAUSE…”
  • Phase #3: “My relationship with you is very important to me.”
  • Phrase #4: “When I said that, how did it make you feel?”
  • Phrase #5: “I will do my best to never say that again.”

The key to keep in mind that these are not just words that you are saying. Rather, they are feelings that you are sharing. You are sharing your contriteness at what happened. You are sharing how important the relationship is to you. You are sharing a commitment to not make the mistake again.

In other words, a true apology requires your whole self to be committed to the act.

Be sure to use these suggestions as a guide. But, put it into your own words. It needs to sound like you.

I’d love to hear what happens when you’ve tried this approach to an apology. So, leave me a comment and let me know.

Also, it would be a tremendous help to me if you would leave a rating or review of this show on iTunes. Would you do that for me?

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How to Truly Apologize and Recover Your Relationship

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There is a lie that we learn as early as kindergarten. We even have a little song to help cement it in our consciousness. “Sticks and stones may break my bones. But, words will never hurt me.” It’s meant to help anesthetize us from hurtful encounters with other children and help us develop “thicker skin”. And, yes, it may indeed serve that purpose to some extent. The problem, however, is that as we age, we forget the tremendous power that words do have. They can give pleasure. But they also can hurt. Very deeply. Often worse than sticks and stones. In fact, when even one negative exchange happens, research shows that it takes as many as five positive ones to offset it. We see then that words not only have power. But, that negative words are actually more powerful than positive ones. When you find yourself having offended someone important to you with your words, here are five phrases that show you how to truly apologize–a key step to restoring the relationship.

Since 1862, appearing first in an African Methodist Episcopal Church publication called the Christian Recorder, the famous “sticks and stones” phrase has become intertwined in the American lexicon. More recently psychologist Dr. John Gottman, in his work with couples has found that it takes a ratio of five positive exchanges to counterbalance one negative exchange. In fact, it is this ratio that Dr. Gottman and his team can predict with 94% accuracy which married couples will divorce and which will survive. But, the principle of the five to one ratio extends far beyond just marriages. It is the nature of being human-certainly in Western culture.

Whether we are talking about relationships between husbands and wives, parents and children, friend to friend, or co-worker to co-worker, the reality is that hurtful words will happen. Negative exchanges can happen even in good relationships. Sometimes, it happens because we speak without thinking. Other times, we let our emotions get the best of us. Still other times, we react before understanding the full context of the situation. The end result is that we damage the relationship, usually without intending to do so. There is distance and friction.

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LYH27: 10 Unspoken Things Husbands Wish Their Wives Would Do

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Show Agenda

Featured Presentation: 10 Unspoken Things Husbands Wish Their Wives Would Do

You can find the full blog post on this topic at haroldarnold.com/unspokenwishes

We husbands often don’t talk to our wives about our wishes. So, to help out both us husbands and our bewildered wives, I’d like to propose 10 things that we husbands wish our wives would do—even though we may never actually ask for them.

10 (Unspoken) Things Husbands Wish Their Wives Would Do

  • Wish #1: Give him a foot rub
  • Wish #2: Take a shower (or bubble bath) together
  • Wish #3: Tell him he looks good
  • Wish #4: Affirm his leadership of the family
  • Wish #5: Express gratitude for the provision that he makes for the family
  • Wish #6: Show him that you’re his biggest fan
  • Wish #7: Tell him that you’d marry him all over again
  • Wish #8: Tell him you trust him with your future
  • Wish #9: You’re ready to tackle your finances as a team
  • Wish #10: Encourage his lovemaking

So, there are my 10 unspoken things that I believe wives can do for their husbands. I’m sure that some of you wives are questioning why or how you should encourage your husband in an area if he doesn’t seem to be making sufficient effort in any one particular area. This is a great point.

But, sometimes, it is important to encourage that which you don’t see yet. The key is to affirm the baby steps. Even if there are really small ones. In many instances, if you sincerely encourage the small things, you will begin to see bigger things.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts about these ten thoughts. Are they spoken or unspoken in your marriage? Leave a comment and let me know.

Click HERE to subscribe to this Podcast in iTunes. Also, I’d really appreciate if you would leave a rating and/or review on iTunes. You can also check me out on Stitcher radio. That will help me tremendously.

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10 Things Husbands Wish Their Wives Would Do, But Would Probably Never Ask

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We husbands are a funny bunch. In some ways we are paragons of contradiction.  Some of us have a tough exterior but are soft in the middle.  Others say few words but no shortage of opinions. Still others never talk about feelings but wear them on our sleeves. It is no surprise then that our wives often wonder what in the world is going through our minds. But, since many of us don’t really share what is going through our mind, our wives are often left in bewilderment. They feel like outsiders yearning to get closer to us but not knowing how to do it. This post is for those wives who wish for a little glimpse into their husbands’ head. Here are ten things that your husband probably wishes you would do. But, here’s the kicker. He probably will never ask.

I admit. For many of us, it is hard to get in our heads because sometimes we don’t even understand what we’re thinking. Until we figure it out, we may not talk too much about it. And, even then, only in bite size pieces. Even then, only if we feel it is safe to do so. Yes, we husbands are funny like that sometimes.

Why is it so hard for us husbands to ask for what we want? That’s a tricky question. But, it is usually one of five reasons:

  • We’ve been socialized to believe that real men don’t ask for such things.
  • We don’t feel safe enough in the relationship.
  • Makes us too vulnerable
  • It seems too trivial
  • Fear of rejection

So, to help out both us husbands and our bewildered wives, I’d like to propose 10 things that we husbands wish our wives would do—even though we may never actually ask for them.