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In my time working with couples, I’ve observed what tends to be the key difference between marriages that are able to thrive and those that fail to do so. Yes, there are certainly many factors that go into a successful marriage. Ultimately, however, it usually comes down to whether each individual is able to accept their own part in whatever conflict exists or whether one can only see the other’s faults. I call this the “blame game”.
To illustrate how this blame game works and the keys to move beyond it, I’d like to present the example of Jim and Irene–a fictitious composite representing many couples with whom I’ve worked. My hope is that this example provides some clues for all of us as we each deal with some variation of the blame game.
Meet Jim and Irene.
Jim and Irene sat at opposite ends of my couch, as far apart as possible. The tension between them so charged the room that I knew we were in for a rough ride even before this first session began. After some small talk, Irene dove right into the reason for their visit: “No matter what I do or how hard I try, it is never good enough for him. I’m sick of trying anything anymore.”
Jim quickly retorted, “Funny, I feel the same way.”
Sadly, Jim and Irene seemed to have only two things in common: Each believed their own negative behavior was a justified response to provocation by the other, and both expressed unhappiness with the marriage.
Jim and Irene each had important perspectives on their relationship, and what they described was actually a very common negative pattern of interaction. The details of that pattern are not nearly as important as the manner in which it was described to me, though.
Irene explained in detail what Jim was doing wrong in the marriage, while Jim described with equal competence just how Irene was failing him.
Have you ever experienced this spin cycle in your own relationships? It seems like you keep rehashing the same issues over and over. Yet, you get nowhere.
Of course, the basic issue here is that no one is listening. Frankly, neither one cares what the other is saying. Jim and Irene were demonstrating mastery of the “blame game.”
They were just getting warmed up with their finger pointing when I interrupted them with a challenge: “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your spouse’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?”
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Spotlight: Features an organization that is doing excellent things to impact families
Spotlight: [James Rodriguez, Fathers & Families Coalition of America]
Key Thoughts:
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Is your family purpose-driven? In other words, is your family influencing each other and the community in a way that reflects the Creator? There is one way to tell. How well is your family practicing the following five habits that all purpose-driven families pursue.
We commonly think about purpose as individuals. Thanks to Pastor Rick Warren’s ground-breaking book, “Purpose-driven life” many of us began to think afresh about why we are here on earth. We were created to use our gifts and talents to get to know God more intimately, to authentically connect with others, and to help others develop richer relationships with God themselves.
When we think about purpose, we tend to think about it at the level of the individual. That certainly does have merit. However, the question is whether it stops there. Are marriages, families, communities, and churches intended to be purpose-driven as well?
Well, my answer is unequivocally “yes”.
Given my own interest in family life and encouraging folks to turn their hearts towards home, I set out to identify what it means to be a purpose-driven family.
I feel like it is an important notion in a culture where family life continues to face enormous internal and external financial, education, and employment stressors just to name a few.
The result is that marriages are strained. Parent-child relationships are shallow. Siblings are often disconnected and acting out. Elderly parents feel alienated. Even many singles struggle to maintain vital, life-giving relationships.
What is the problem?
The issues are certainly multifaceted. I believe, however, that at the core of the problem is a purpose deficit. Singles, couples, and families are going through the motions of life without a central guiding purpose or core identity.
In a previous post, I’ve discussed the five questions that are important to ask and listen of your family members. Click HERE to check it out. I encourage you to read that post as you consider the remainder of this post. They are complementary propositions.
Asking engaging questions and listening for the response is the fundamental need to move your family towards purpose. That is a starting point.
But, it isn’t just about the start. Purpose-driven families engage in behaviors that become practices that develop into habits. Habits, when developed early enough in one’s life journey, tend to become transgenerational.
As I study family life and observe families, I’ve observed five habits that some families have mastered that allow them to have extraordinary relationships with one another, wield extraordinary influence, and change the trajectory of those around them.
I want to have a purpose-driven family. It is with this desire in mind that I offer these five habits for your consideration.
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