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Dr. Harold

Boomerangs to Arrows: A Godly Guide for Launching Young Adult Children by Sharon Norris Elliot (Valley Forge, PA: Judson Press, 2013)

In this resource spotlight, I’m featuring a really nice book for parents of adult children, Boomerangs to Arrows: A Godly Guide for Launching Young Adult Children, by Sharon Norris Elliot.

When I think of a parenting book, the first book I typically about is Dr. James Dobson’s bestseller, Parenting Isn’t For Cowards. I think this is because of the catchy title and the notion that effective parenting is for the brave at heart. While this is a great book, I think it is most effective for parents of young children.

Well, I now have what for me is an excellent recommendation for parents of adult children. In this excellent resource, Sharon, does a masterful job of building on the metaphor of children as arrows as offered in the biblical passage, Psalm 127. The reference scripture, is “Blessed is the parent with a quiver full of children”.

There are few resources out there that help us parents understand how to handle our adult children—particularly those who are needing (or wanting) to come back home.

In these times of uncertainty in the job market and tumultuous economic challenges more generally, the traditional model for launching our children once and for all is, at least for now, not the reality in many homes.

Using a creative analogy of boomerangs and arrows, Sharon helps us set godly parameters for what to expect of our adult children and of ourselves. Sharon also offers plenty of examples to help the issues and potential solutions feel accessible to each of us.

As the parent of one adult child, I found myself keeping my handy highlighter at the ready.

I was most struck by the challenge to think about the many dimensions involved in parenting my adult child in a manner that is supportive yet firm. Sharon works the metaphor quite well as she uses different types of arrows to discuss the different challenges that we face with our adult children—from those who veer a little off track to those who effectively shun our values. She shows us how to love and engage them in a way that challenges them towards all that God has for them.

I also really appreciate how this book also pushes us as parents to look at ourselves. It is easy for us adult parents to look at our wayward children and wonder what is wrong with them. But, Sharon asks us to be introspective as parents and ask ourselves how our own behavior has contributed to our adult child’s attitude and behavior. While being careful not to blame the parent for who the child becomes, Sharon does get us to hold our actions up to the biblical models that are there for our consumption.

This book also includes a lot of pauses where Sharon poses insightful questions for you to consider as the parent of a young adult child.

Personally, I believe strongly in transparency of authors and speakers. And, Sharon does a great job in using her own experiences with her adult children to bring the content to life. I think we all can see aspects of our own parenting in the stories that she shares. And, I have had the pleasure of meeting Sharon personally on several occasions. And, I see a consistency between what she shares in the book, what she speaks from the platform, and who she is as a person. She is the real deal.

If you are a parent of an adult child or one approaching adulthood, I strongly encourage you to read through the book. If you subscribe to the Christian faith tradition, I’m confident that this book will be your “go to” resource for years to come as you grapple with helping your adult child be an arrow even if they go through their boomerang season.

Let me know if you pick up the book. Can’t wait to hear your thoughts.

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Three Steps to Effectively Lead Your Home

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I’m excited that you are visiting my newly redesigned website, HaroldArnold.com. It has just received a major overhaul. You might call it a “fresh start”.

This was done to better serve your needs at home, at work, and even in ministry. The reality is that while my old website was good for getting me to this point, it was not suited to take me to the next level or help me reach my goals. It needed a fresh start.

During the past few years in working with couples, singles, and families I’ve come to what for me has been a stunning conclusion. Families lack leadership.

Sounds a bit odd doesn’t it? Well, this is because we don’t typically think of leadership as it pertains to our homes.

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The Need to Lead Home

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“Before you are a leader, success is all about growing yourself. When you become a leader, success is all about growing others.” —Jack Welch

Over the past 5 years, I have had the opportunity to encourage hundreds of families on techniques for builder stronger marital and parental relationship skills.  I have certainly been encouraged by some of the results that I’ve seen.

For example, I recently received a message from a young man that my wife and I met at a marriage retreat that we conducted for a military group from Maryland. During the retreat, my wife and I had the opportunity to talk one on one with him and his wife. They were in the early years of their marriage. And, they were struggling—with even some talk about whether this marriage would last. Over the course of a couple of hours, my wife and I felt like we did the best we could to help them.

His message to me a month of so ago warmed my heart as he talked about how wonderfully he and his wife have been doing. I was elated. I just couldn’t stop smiling. During the email exchange I asked him what turned things around. His response was simple yet profound:

  • I stopped making excuses
  • I started living for my wife

As I think about this young man’s response, it reminded me of the quote above by the renown leadership guru, Jack Welch. Before we become a leader, we can legitimately focus on our own growth. But, once we don that leadership mantle, then success is about developing others.

While many of us think about the importance of leadership development in our vocation and places of business, we are often remiss in considering our leadership in the most important venue—HOME.

As such, we spend countless hours investing in those outside our home and often little, or no, time developing those most close to us.

And, just a glimpse into pastors’ struggles, reveals the cruel realities of this leadership deficit at home:

  • 77% of pastors surveyed felt that they did not have a good marriage themselves
  • 50% of pastors’ marriages will end in divorce
  • Almost 40% of pastors polled admit to an extramarital affair since beginning their ministry

What is the message?

We must first lead our homes. And, this blog is dedicated to that topic. Yes, leadership topics will be addressed more broadly. But, it has to start at home. Without that, the trajectory of your life will fall far short of its intended impact.

If you are a spouse, you have the leadership responsibility to develop your spouse into the person s/he dreams to be.

If you are a parent, you have the leadership responsibility to guide your children along the path to fulfill their destiny.

If you are a sibling or a caregiver of any nature you have leadership responsibility.

How you handle your home often dictates how you will lead in the other areas of your life. And, as important, it will prepare those within your sphere of influence to indeed be leaders themselves.

Marriage is an opportunity to lead the one to whom you are committed through the mountains of success as well as the valleys of difficulty. Herein lies its beauty and its challenge.

I’m so thankful that my young friend above realized early in his marriage two important aspects of leading home. We all have to stop allowing excuses to exonerate our poor behavior. Let’s own it.

Then, we have to realize, “it’s not about me”. At least it is not only about me. We each have to focus on the needs of the others in our path. When we do, the course of our relationship exponentially shifts.

Now its your turn.

Why do you think pastor’s marriages struggle as they do? How, if at all, might these statistics shift if pastors could adapt those two suggestions made by my friend?

Can’t wait to hear your thoughts.

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What Business School Didn’t Teach Me About Marriage

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Husbands and wives think that “understanding” is the key to success in marriage. Wives believe that if their beloved just understood how they feel about a situation that the tension and frustration that often exists would melt away. We husbands assume that if we could just get our wives to understand the details of the situation that they would inevitably see things our way. These beliefs lead spouses to undertake various measures to “market” their viewpoints to give the other understanding.

You might question my use of the word “market.” That sounds so manipulative doesn’t it? Marketing is what businesses do to sell a product, right? As I think back to my business school education, Marketing 101 instructed me about the marketing mix entailing product, price, and promotion. Selling a product depends on the elements of this mix.

Here’s what I’m wondering, how much of the tension in my cross-cultural marriage is about my approach to selling my point of view to Dalia? If I think about my perspective as the product in question, I am able to see all of the steps I go through to sell or “promote” it to Dalia. I can give her details of the situation in calculated details. I can explain the trade offs and the cost-benefits of seeing it my way. If all of these rational measures fail to make Dalia understand, I can insert or remove emotion as the situation dictates.
If and when I become desperate for the sell, I always know I can manipulate the stakes or the “price.” I might start off with a light reference to a past incident when I was right and she was wrong. If she still doesn’t get it, I can always rachet it up to a minor rebuke for being so irrational or so emotional that she can’t see the obvious. If I’m forced to raise the stakes even higher to get my point across, then I have to make it even more personal. And, I certainly know those hot buttons. After all, it is about selling understanding—at any cost. But it’s worth it if she gets it. She’ll see it my way. And, this will be better for our marriage, right?

I’m ashamed to admit that I have done all of these things. Don’t get me wrong. I never thought about it as selling my perspective at any cost. But, my actions prove otherwise. Here’s what I’ve learned. Marketing 101 is best left in the Business School rather than in my cross-cultural marriage. Marriage isn’t about making Dalia understand my perspective at any cost. Rather, it is about accepting that which I don’t understand.

Understanding between cross-cultural spouses can be difficult when each person has developed a perspective that comes from a very different set of assumptions. This is where grace enters the picture. Grace is learning to accept that which I may not understand. Why should I accept what doesn’t make sense to me?

The answer is profound yet simple. Integrating our viewpoints creates a co-constructed paradigm that is richer. Put simply, Dalia and I are better together than apart when we replace our natural push to sell with a sincere effort to accept that our differences have value.

What else can couples do to show grace in marriage?

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Your Marriage is What You Think

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As I contemplate what makes marriage work, it is no surprise to me that I come back to the way we think. What comes to your mind when you think about your marriage?

Are your thoughts about your marriage mostly focused on successes and accomplishing shared goals or repeated stumbles and failures? I’m not sure how Descartes would look at contemporary marriages. But, in his new book “Think and make it happen” author Dr. Augusto Cury offers a powerful suite of tools sure to impact any marriage.

Although Cury’s focus is not marriage specifically, he tackles its most vital marital issue—overcoming negative thoughts.

Cury offers twelve principles to control your thinking.  While many of his principles offer practical advice to take control of our thoughts, his admonitions to doubt, criticize, and determine (DCD) what goes through our minds is key.

We must be critical of our thoughts about our marriage. Marriage is filled with peaks and valleys.  A cacophony of negative thoughts experienced during the valleys can derail even the most solid marriages. We married couples must realize the power we have to steer the relationship, mostly by honoring our spouse’s needs.

I also strongly appreciate Cury’s suggestions on how to take charge of our emotions, which of course are triggered by our thoughts. Couples that are able to avoid the emotional meltdowns avoid the negative escalation of emotions during conflicts.

In the chapter titled “Learn to listen and dialogue”, Cury advises married couples to ask four important questions of their mates: (1) When have I disappointed you?, (2) Which of my behaviors annoys you?, (3) What could I do to make you happier?, and (4) How can I be a better friend?

Now,there is something for all of us to think about. The future of your marriage is what you think it to be.

What do you think about your marriage?

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