As I contemplate what makes marriage work, it is no surprise to me that I come back to the way we think. What comes to your mind when you think about your marriage?

Are your thoughts about your marriage mostly focused on successes and accomplishing shared goals or repeated stumbles and failures? I’m not sure how Descartes would look at contemporary marriages. But, in his new book “Think and make it happen” author Dr. Augusto Cury offers a powerful suite of tools sure to impact any marriage.

Although Cury’s focus is not marriage specifically, he tackles its most vital marital issue—overcoming negative thoughts.

Cury offers twelve principles to control your thinking.  While many of his principles offer practical advice to take control of our thoughts, his admonitions to doubt, criticize, and determine (DCD) what goes through our minds is key.

We must be critical of our thoughts about our marriage. Marriage is filled with peaks and valleys.  A cacophony of negative thoughts experienced during the valleys can derail even the most solid marriages. We married couples must realize the power we have to steer the relationship, mostly by honoring our spouse’s needs.

I also strongly appreciate Cury’s suggestions on how to take charge of our emotions, which of course are triggered by our thoughts. Couples that are able to avoid the emotional meltdowns avoid the negative escalation of emotions during conflicts.

In the chapter titled “Learn to listen and dialogue”, Cury advises married couples to ask four important questions of their mates: (1) When have I disappointed you?, (2) Which of my behaviors annoys you?, (3) What could I do to make you happier?, and (4) How can I be a better friend?

Now,there is something for all of us to think about. The future of your marriage is what you think it to be.

What do you think about your marriage?

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Think back over the course of your marriage (or even before) or other meaningful relationships that you currently have. Who are the people that have made these relationships successful? Are they family members, friends, spiritual leaders, teachers, or others?  What things did they say or do that made a difference?

These are the questions that kept coming to my mind as I read the new fiction book, The Noticer, by Andy Andrews. Andrews uses the fictional journey of a narrator who goes from being a homeless young man bound by negative thoughts to being a successful businessman because of an encounter with an ageless sage who teaches him “perspective”.

As our main character comes to realize over time, there is something unusual about this sage (known by different names to people of different cultures such as “Jones”, “Garcia”, and “Lee”) who seems to always be in the right place with the right people at the right time with just the right message.

The lesson that our protagonist and other characters in the story learn from this sage is how changing our lives requires a change of perspective. How can you look at situations and people differently? It necessitates a more deliberate noticing of the things that others miss.

While I enjoyed the book for its simplistic message (sometimes it honestly felt a little too simplistic) and quick read, what I most enjoyed about it is its applicability to marriage—the topic that I tend to think and write about most often. Andrews’ thesis could not be any more appropriate. Whenever I talk to couples in the education or counseling context I talk about perspective. Individuals are usually excellent at seeing things one way. But, we often struggle to see it another way—especially when we feel somehow threatened by another perspective. Any therapist will tell you that helping couples always requires that each learns to see another perspective.

The other theme of the book that I was very interested in is the idea of taking notice of things that are often taken for granted. Married couples often get into a rut of doing the same things over and over again. We get into a habit where we stop noticing—like we did when we were dating. But, what would happen if couples started noticing each other again—I mean really giving attention to what may really be going on with each other. What things are happening with your spouse, fiancee, or partner that you don’t totally understand because you haven’t noticed?

The Noticer is a wonderful book to add to your collection—especially if you value the importance of perspective in relationships (and who doesn’t). Kudos to Andrews and Thomas Nelson Publishers for presenting something with a timeless message in an accessible format. In the end, the message to all of us is to pay more attention to invest ourselves in those around us.

I started this piece asking who has contributed to your own successful relationships. In the end, our thanks to those people is only truly shown when we in turn contribute to the development of others. Thank you Andy for giving us a tool to do just that.

What do a brain scan and your marriage have in common? Read my review below of Dr. Earl Henslin’s fantastic book, “This is Your Brain on Joy” to find out…

For me, the measure of excellent non-fiction literature is when one begins to see the world through the lens that the author provides. I recently completed reading Dr. Earl Henslin’s This is Your Brain on Joy. And, I was hooked from the first chapter when he described how he has come to incorporate technology (brain imaging) in his clinical treatment of thirty couples who were headed towards divorce.

My area of specialty is marriage. I have gone through much training on various marriage enhancement methods. But, when Dr. Henslin commented that twenty-nine of the thirty couples turned their marriages around by following the procedures to get brain scans (SPECT) and following the prescribed psychotherapy and medicinal regimen I was clamoring for more information. And, This is Your Brain on Joy delivers “in spades.”

First, let me be clear. This book is primarily about the power of brain imaging to unearth the “abnormalities” that make our brains function at less than God’s ideal when He first created us. While I have had some exposure to brain physiology during my own clinical training, I have never seen such an excellent effort at breaking highly technical terminology into language that can be understood by everyone. By substituting friendly, intuitive language (e.g., Basement of Giant Fears) to represent brain physiology (e.g,  Basal Ganglia) Dr. Henslin is able to communicate the intricacies of the brain in a way that makes common sense. More importantly, the reader is able to identify his/her own areas of strength and weakness. Speaking of this, the book also includes an assessment that helps to identify how one’s own life experiences are indelibly interconnected with one’s brain health.

This book challenges all of us to think twice in our tendencies to be judgmental. He argues for more compassionate engagement because people are often held hostage by their brains. But, Dr. Henslin’s book doesn’t just point out the problem. He proceeds to offer natural, herbal remedies for many of the brain imbalances that are nothing short of miraculous from the testimonials included in the book. In some instances, prescription agents such as antidepressants may be suggested as well. The testimonies of people whose entire lives have changed (when they thought change was impossible) simply by following through with a brain scan and herbal or prescription medications.

I highly recommend this book because I have become convinced that many of the unhealthy behavioral patterns in our lives and in our marriages are a result of brain trauma that we may not even remember from years earlier. The results appear clear. Healthy lives and marriages require healthy brains. And, sometimes prayer alone may not improve the situation as much as if it was accompanied by a brain scan, the right herbal combinations, and a little encouragement.

So, do you have the brains for marriage?