Category Archives: Parenting

Boomerangs to Arrows: A Godly Guide for Launching Young Adult Children by Sharon Norris Elliot (Valley Forge, PA: Judson Press, 2013)

In this resource spotlight, I’m featuring a really nice book for parents of adult children, Boomerangs to Arrows: A Godly Guide for Launching Young Adult Children, by Sharon Norris Elliot.

When I think of a parenting book, the first book I typically about is Dr. James Dobson’s bestseller, Parenting Isn’t For Cowards. I think this is because of the catchy title and the notion that effective parenting is for the brave at heart. While this is a great book, I think it is most effective for parents of young children.

Well, I now have what for me is an excellent recommendation for parents of adult children. In this excellent resource, Sharon, does a masterful job of building on the metaphor of children as arrows as offered in the biblical passage, Psalm 127. The reference scripture, is “Blessed is the parent with a quiver full of children”.

There are few resources out there that help us parents understand how to handle our adult children—particularly those who are needing (or wanting) to come back home.

In these times of uncertainty in the job market and tumultuous economic challenges more generally, the traditional model for launching our children once and for all is, at least for now, not the reality in many homes.

Using a creative analogy of boomerangs and arrows, Sharon helps us set godly parameters for what to expect of our adult children and of ourselves. Sharon also offers plenty of examples to help the issues and potential solutions feel accessible to each of us.

As the parent of one adult child, I found myself keeping my handy highlighter at the ready.

I was most struck by the challenge to think about the many dimensions involved in parenting my adult child in a manner that is supportive yet firm. Sharon works the metaphor quite well as she uses different types of arrows to discuss the different challenges that we face with our adult children—from those who veer a little off track to those who effectively shun our values. She shows us how to love and engage them in a way that challenges them towards all that God has for them.

I also really appreciate how this book also pushes us as parents to look at ourselves. It is easy for us adult parents to look at our wayward children and wonder what is wrong with them. But, Sharon asks us to be introspective as parents and ask ourselves how our own behavior has contributed to our adult child’s attitude and behavior. While being careful not to blame the parent for who the child becomes, Sharon does get us to hold our actions up to the biblical models that are there for our consumption.

This book also includes a lot of pauses where Sharon poses insightful questions for you to consider as the parent of a young adult child.

Personally, I believe strongly in transparency of authors and speakers. And, Sharon does a great job in using her own experiences with her adult children to bring the content to life. I think we all can see aspects of our own parenting in the stories that she shares. And, I have had the pleasure of meeting Sharon personally on several occasions. And, I see a consistency between what she shares in the book, what she speaks from the platform, and who she is as a person. She is the real deal.

If you are a parent of an adult child or one approaching adulthood, I strongly encourage you to read through the book. If you subscribe to the Christian faith tradition, I’m confident that this book will be your “go to” resource for years to come as you grapple with helping your adult child be an arrow even if they go through their boomerang season.

Let me know if you pick up the book. Can’t wait to hear your thoughts.

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Three Steps to Effectively Lead Your Home

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I’m excited that you are visiting my newly redesigned website, HaroldArnold.com. It has just received a major overhaul. You might call it a “fresh start”.

This was done to better serve your needs at home, at work, and even in ministry. The reality is that while my old website was good for getting me to this point, it was not suited to take me to the next level or help me reach my goals. It needed a fresh start.

During the past few years in working with couples, singles, and families I’ve come to what for me has been a stunning conclusion. Families lack leadership.

Sounds a bit odd doesn’t it? Well, this is because we don’t typically think of leadership as it pertains to our homes.

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The Need to Lead Home

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“Before you are a leader, success is all about growing yourself. When you become a leader, success is all about growing others.” —Jack Welch

Over the past 5 years, I have had the opportunity to encourage hundreds of families on techniques for builder stronger marital and parental relationship skills.  I have certainly been encouraged by some of the results that I’ve seen.

For example, I recently received a message from a young man that my wife and I met at a marriage retreat that we conducted for a military group from Maryland. During the retreat, my wife and I had the opportunity to talk one on one with him and his wife. They were in the early years of their marriage. And, they were struggling—with even some talk about whether this marriage would last. Over the course of a couple of hours, my wife and I felt like we did the best we could to help them.

His message to me a month of so ago warmed my heart as he talked about how wonderfully he and his wife have been doing. I was elated. I just couldn’t stop smiling. During the email exchange I asked him what turned things around. His response was simple yet profound:

  • I stopped making excuses
  • I started living for my wife

As I think about this young man’s response, it reminded me of the quote above by the renown leadership guru, Jack Welch. Before we become a leader, we can legitimately focus on our own growth. But, once we don that leadership mantle, then success is about developing others.

While many of us think about the importance of leadership development in our vocation and places of business, we are often remiss in considering our leadership in the most important venue—HOME.

As such, we spend countless hours investing in those outside our home and often little, or no, time developing those most close to us.

And, just a glimpse into pastors’ struggles, reveals the cruel realities of this leadership deficit at home:

  • 77% of pastors surveyed felt that they did not have a good marriage themselves
  • 50% of pastors’ marriages will end in divorce
  • Almost 40% of pastors polled admit to an extramarital affair since beginning their ministry

What is the message?

We must first lead our homes. And, this blog is dedicated to that topic. Yes, leadership topics will be addressed more broadly. But, it has to start at home. Without that, the trajectory of your life will fall far short of its intended impact.

If you are a spouse, you have the leadership responsibility to develop your spouse into the person s/he dreams to be.

If you are a parent, you have the leadership responsibility to guide your children along the path to fulfill their destiny.

If you are a sibling or a caregiver of any nature you have leadership responsibility.

How you handle your home often dictates how you will lead in the other areas of your life. And, as important, it will prepare those within your sphere of influence to indeed be leaders themselves.

Marriage is an opportunity to lead the one to whom you are committed through the mountains of success as well as the valleys of difficulty. Herein lies its beauty and its challenge.

I’m so thankful that my young friend above realized early in his marriage two important aspects of leading home. We all have to stop allowing excuses to exonerate our poor behavior. Let’s own it.

Then, we have to realize, “it’s not about me”. At least it is not only about me. We each have to focus on the needs of the others in our path. When we do, the course of our relationship exponentially shifts.

Now its your turn.

Why do you think pastor’s marriages struggle as they do? How, if at all, might these statistics shift if pastors could adapt those two suggestions made by my friend?

Can’t wait to hear your thoughts.

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How to Live a Worry-Resistant Life

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As a young adult 15-20 years ago, I loved to wear “No Fear” apparel. I had all types of No Fear Gear—T-shirts, sweatshirts, and shorts. Ok. I’ll even admit that I still have a few pieces of No Fear Gear left in my wardrobe.

As long as I can remember I have always had a fear of having a fear. I have never wanted to be controlled by fear. As I kid, if someone dared me to ride that skateboard down a steep hill, you better bet I was going to take it on. “I’m not scared”, I would say—even if I was terrified inside.

As a student, I never admitted fear to taking the toughest teacher. “I’m not scared.”

As an employee, I would take on a tough task. “I’m not scared.”

You get the picture. I was afraid to be afraid.

And, I had my interpretation of the bible to back me up. After all, God didn’t give me a spirit of fear, right?

But, in the last year I have discovered something about myself. I do have fears.

No, they aren’t the phobias that are listed in the latest edition of the psychological diagnostic manual. But, they are fears nonetheless. I have a fear of failure—what if I live my life without succeeding in my life goals?

I have been somewhat aware of this one for a long time. Recently, however, I stumbled upon another related fear after reading the interpretation of a personality inventory that I took. It is a fear of losing time. I thought long and hard about that one. “Do I really fear losing time?” I wondered.

Hmmm…Is that why I work nearly every evening until late into the night on trying to fulfill my passion after finishing a long day on my paying job?

Does this explain why my mind is constantly running at 110% in thinking about the short, mid, and long-term tasks that I have to complete? And, is this why my wife has been telling me for years that my hard pushing, perfectionistic, never stopping personality is so draining to her?

I could probably write a thesis on this topic. But, the main point to take away from this is that your fears (even if you think they are just your own albatross) can have a devastating impact on your marriage, children, and others around you. Think honestly about your own fears. Can you see any impacts on those within your sphere of influence?

With a glimpse of my own fears in mind, I recently had the opportunity to read Max Lucado’s new book, Fearless: Imagine your life without fear. This is an excellent resource for those of us who battle fear in some way. The author presents a number of different fears that paralyze us—keeping our minds locked into a type of negative spin cycle.

I personally was most indicted by two of the fears: (1) a Fear of Not Mattering and (2) a Fear of Disappointing God.

Are the core of my fears about failure and losing time really about feeling that my life on this earth mattered? Probably.

In this vein, you just have to read the excellent chapter in the book about the “Villagers of Stiltsville”. Do I feel that I am being less than optimally effective in being a good steward of the gifts that God has given me? Yes, I feel that way. But, it seems that I’m giving all I have to give.

Lucado, however, doesn’t just enumerate a list of fears. He begins with an accurate cultural assessment of how fear has become so engrained in our collective consciousness. It is almost as if we breed fear. We surround ourselves with material and psychological defenses intended to keep our fears in check. Yet, like one with an obsessive-compulsive personality disorder we can never seem quite convinced that we have done enough to keep these fears at bay.

So, what’s the answer to reducing one’s fears—whether they are rational or irrational?

Lucado does a masterful job of using the life of Jesus to answer that question. The answer is “God is in control.” Whether it is a lesson in the midst of a storm, such as that experienced by the disciples on the sea of Galilee, panic over how to feed thousands of people with two fish and five loaves of bread, or in my case fear that my life might not matter, scripture tells us that we are fearfully and wonderfully made with a purpose.

Lucado gives a plethora of anecdotal stories and scriptural truths to crystallize a single thought, “A Life With God is Designed to Be Worry-Resistant.”

I didn’t say “worry-free” because we are human after all. What does it mean to be worry resistant? It means that you can channel your worry to God so that it doesn’t rest in your own spirit. Lucado gives a great mnemonic in Chapter 4 of the book to highlight the steps to a worry-resistant life. The acrostic is “P-E-A-C-E-F-U-L. Read the chapter to see exactly how you can overcome your own worries and enjoy a more peacful life.

For years I wore my No Fear apparel to make a statement to myself (more than others) that I cannot live with a spirit of fear. But, the book Fearless serves as a more poignant reminder that I have to relax and trust that God knows what he is doing. He’s God. I’m not! This is a lesson for us all to FEAR LESS.

What fears are impacting your life?

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What’s Your Plan B?

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Married life is often full of second-guessing—especially when things fail to turn out like we had planned. We thought God was directing a decision only to watch things fall apart. We pray for open doors that remain firmly shut. We even wonder at times whether the person that we married was the right choice. What do you do when God doesn’t show up the way you thought he would.

That is the subtitle for pastor Pete Wilson’s new book, Plan B. It is a timely offering in an economic era when so many people continue to experience delays or outright failures with Plan A. When our Plan A fails many of us immediately question God—reminding me of the biblical story of Gideon in which he questions God’s call because things just haven’t gone according to plan. Of course, God tells Gideon in the book of Judges to “go with the strength that you have.”

In many ways, that is Wilson’s admonition as well for us who have struggled to make sense of our journey. Wilson’s advice centers on our ability to trust God in the midst of the pain. Wilson gives us the assurance that though we often feel out of control that God actually never is.

In my reading there was one particular line that was so striking to me that I had to write it down. It reads as follows “I’ve noticed that even those of us who have trusted our heavenly Father with our eternities often have a tough time trusting him with our tomorrows.” Wow! That is powerful. As believers we conceptually believe that God has all things under his control. Yet, when our Plan A doesn’t happen we struggle to feel that God is with us.

Wilson does an admirable job of conveying those classic Plan B situations. Sometimes they are issues of life and death. At other times, they are feelings of success or failure. Plan B situations run the gamut. We all have our Plan B moments.

From my perspective as a marriage expert, I think Wilson’s message is particularly salient for this field. As I suggested in my opening, marriage is full of Plan B situations. But, there are probably few relationships that hold the power to demonstrate God’s glory in a Plan B situation than the marital relationship. Plan B’s test our faith that our marriage is shaping us into the people that God has purposed us to become. Plan B’s shape our spiritual formation by replacing our self-centeredness with a God-centeredness.

I highly recommend Plan B for every Christian who lives life because one day you may need this reminder that it is God, not us, that is the originator of our Plans.