Tag Archives: marriage tips

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5 Biblical Lessons to Keep Your Marriage Fresh

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Our refrigerators and cupboards are full of products with stamped expiration dates. Except for infant formula, dating these products is not a federal regulation. But, it is useful for stores and consumers to assess whether a given product is safe or unsafe for consumption. So, the ardent shopper checks that “sell by” date, especially on the perishable items like milk and eggs. This morning I checked the expiration date on one of my purchases only to learn that it had indeed expired. Should I eat it or throw it away? As I carefully inspected it to see if I was indeed edible, I began to think of the connection to marriage. How many couples are living in outdated marriages—going through the motions with freshness that has long expired?

Keeping your marriage fresh

The answer is “way too many”. It shows in the data. According to Dana Adam Shapiro’s research for his book You Can Be Right (or You Can Be Married),very few married people are happy — he says about 17 percent. Another study reveals that a large percentage of married couples (~40%) say that they are not very happy in their marriage. It’s sad. For many of these couples, the relationship that started out with a sense of bliss and hopeful optimism has deteriorated into a functional partnership at best.

One study of 3000 couples identifies five top problems reported by these frustrated couples.

  • Lack of spontaneity
  • Lack of romance
  • Terrible sex life
  • No time to give each other attention
  • Lack of time to talk

One-third of couples suggest things like the loss of romantic trips away, cooking of favorite meals, and the surprise bouquet of flowers as examples of their outdated marriages. These couples have allowed the proverbial “shelf life” of their marriage to diminish. It feels stale and distasteful.

This disappointing state of marriage reminds me of the biblical account of the Hebrew people during their wilderness experience after escaping the slavery of Egypt.

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The 20% Commitment that Yields 80% Growth In Your Marriage

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Great marriages don’t just happen. They are co-created—with each spouse contributing 100% to its success. Today I met a couple that has been married 48 years. They said the secret is that he gives 100% and she gives 110%. We laughed. But, they tapped a central truth. Great marriages go all in. These couples are rewarded with a deep sense of happiness and attachment that feels almost spiritual in nature. We all wish for this kind of marriage. Its what we dream about when we first say “I do”. But, for many of us it now feels unrealistic—just too lofty and expectation given where things are currently. But, what if it only took 20% to claim your great marriage? And, that 20% is well within your reach—if you want it.

Most of us are familiar with the well-known Pareto Principle (also known as the 80-20) rule. We’ve seen it applied to many contexts. You may have heard in the workplace that 20% of the people do 80% of the work.

You may have heard it in the church context where 20% of the people give 80% of the donations.

Have you ever thought about the application to your marriage?

In my experience working with couples, I’ve discovered a profound application of the 80-20 rule that is particularly encouraging for those who are losing hope that their marriage will ever be what they dreamed. Twenty percent of what you put into your marriage is responsible for 80% of what you get out of it.

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How to Truly Apologize and Recover Your Relationship

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There is a lie that we learn as early as kindergarten. We even have a little song to help cement it in our consciousness. “Sticks and stones may break my bones. But, words will never hurt me.” It’s meant to help anesthetize us from hurtful encounters with other children and help us develop “thicker skin”. And, yes, it may indeed serve that purpose to some extent. The problem, however, is that as we age, we forget the tremendous power that words do have. They can give pleasure. But they also can hurt. Very deeply. Often worse than sticks and stones. In fact, when even one negative exchange happens, research shows that it takes as many as five positive ones to offset it. We see then that words not only have power. But, that negative words are actually more powerful than positive ones. When you find yourself having offended someone important to you with your words, here are five phrases that show you how to truly apologize–a key step to restoring the relationship.

Since 1862, appearing first in an African Methodist Episcopal Church publication called the Christian Recorder, the famous “sticks and stones” phrase has become intertwined in the American lexicon. More recently psychologist Dr. John Gottman, in his work with couples has found that it takes a ratio of five positive exchanges to counterbalance one negative exchange. In fact, it is this ratio that Dr. Gottman and his team can predict with 94% accuracy which married couples will divorce and which will survive. But, the principle of the five to one ratio extends far beyond just marriages. It is the nature of being human-certainly in Western culture.

Whether we are talking about relationships between husbands and wives, parents and children, friend to friend, or co-worker to co-worker, the reality is that hurtful words will happen. Negative exchanges can happen even in good relationships. Sometimes, it happens because we speak without thinking. Other times, we let our emotions get the best of us. Still other times, we react before understanding the full context of the situation. The end result is that we damage the relationship, usually without intending to do so. There is distance and friction.

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LYH27: 10 Unspoken Things Husbands Wish Their Wives Would Do

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Show Agenda

Featured Presentation: 10 Unspoken Things Husbands Wish Their Wives Would Do

You can find the full blog post on this topic at haroldarnold.com/unspokenwishes

We husbands often don’t talk to our wives about our wishes. So, to help out both us husbands and our bewildered wives, I’d like to propose 10 things that we husbands wish our wives would do—even though we may never actually ask for them.

10 (Unspoken) Things Husbands Wish Their Wives Would Do

  • Wish #1: Give him a foot rub
  • Wish #2: Take a shower (or bubble bath) together
  • Wish #3: Tell him he looks good
  • Wish #4: Affirm his leadership of the family
  • Wish #5: Express gratitude for the provision that he makes for the family
  • Wish #6: Show him that you’re his biggest fan
  • Wish #7: Tell him that you’d marry him all over again
  • Wish #8: Tell him you trust him with your future
  • Wish #9: You’re ready to tackle your finances as a team
  • Wish #10: Encourage his lovemaking

So, there are my 10 unspoken things that I believe wives can do for their husbands. I’m sure that some of you wives are questioning why or how you should encourage your husband in an area if he doesn’t seem to be making sufficient effort in any one particular area. This is a great point.

But, sometimes, it is important to encourage that which you don’t see yet. The key is to affirm the baby steps. Even if there are really small ones. In many instances, if you sincerely encourage the small things, you will begin to see bigger things.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts about these ten thoughts. Are they spoken or unspoken in your marriage? Leave a comment and let me know.

Click HERE to subscribe to this Podcast in iTunes. Also, I’d really appreciate if you would leave a rating and/or review on iTunes. You can also check me out on Stitcher radio. That will help me tremendously.

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10 Things Husbands Wish Their Wives Would Do, But Would Probably Never Ask

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We husbands are a funny bunch. In some ways we are paragons of contradiction.  Some of us have a tough exterior but are soft in the middle.  Others say few words but no shortage of opinions. Still others never talk about feelings but wear them on our sleeves. It is no surprise then that our wives often wonder what in the world is going through our minds. But, since many of us don’t really share what is going through our mind, our wives are often left in bewilderment. They feel like outsiders yearning to get closer to us but not knowing how to do it. This post is for those wives who wish for a little glimpse into their husbands’ head. Here are ten things that your husband probably wishes you would do. But, here’s the kicker. He probably will never ask.

I admit. For many of us, it is hard to get in our heads because sometimes we don’t even understand what we’re thinking. Until we figure it out, we may not talk too much about it. And, even then, only in bite size pieces. Even then, only if we feel it is safe to do so. Yes, we husbands are funny like that sometimes.

Why is it so hard for us husbands to ask for what we want? That’s a tricky question. But, it is usually one of five reasons:

  • We’ve been socialized to believe that real men don’t ask for such things.
  • We don’t feel safe enough in the relationship.
  • Makes us too vulnerable
  • It seems too trivial
  • Fear of rejection

So, to help out both us husbands and our bewildered wives, I’d like to propose 10 things that we husbands wish our wives would do—even though we may never actually ask for them.